Ranzish hi sahi ....

I know he'll go. I know it for a fact since he came. In fact that's what delayed his entry into my life this time: I couldn't make up my mind if I would be able to take it again.

In time, I agreed, we all agreed - for it had to be a collective decision. We were all signing up for the anguish which can only be delayed or its intensity controlled but never avoided.

My mother was the last one to give in. She had other concerns as well but this has been the major concern - what happens when he goes ??? It has happened earlier , quite a few times, and it has to happen again. Then why ?

As I understand now, my relationship with him is as a poet (Ahmad Faraz ?) has described :

Ranzish hi sahi, Dil hi dukhane ke liye aa
Aa phir se mujhey chhodh ke jaane ke liye aa.

(Animosity if it is, do come to break my heart
Come, if only, so that once again we may part)

Except that, there isn't any animosity or hard feelings amongst us. As far as I can tell, he likes me as much as I do, maybe more. But there is only so much that I can tell , by my own standards i.e.

I think we are his family. We have been around him for as long as time goes back for him. He's suffered, succeeded, moved out and moved back in with us.
In his own ways, he has expressed this many more times than we could - almost every time that my eyes have met his.

He has not just accepted everyone that we have introduced but even ensured that they accept and like him, adore him and change their perspective of him and the likes.

Again, this is what I can tell by my standards. His standards ought to be completely different but I am sure he likes us all by his standards as well. But then, it doesn't matter. Because I love him and his being here is all that matters to me.

I have grown up loving him. More than that - I have evolved loving him.

He was with me when I started making sense of this world.
But then he left. Came again and left again.
Every time he left, I cried and longed for him. I just had to think about him, his eyes, and feel how empty life was without him.

And then he would come back and it would all be the same : our mutual love was everywhere to be seen, as if there wasn't any interlude.

I kept growing older and he kept coming back to me.

As I matured, I learned to assure myself that probably its better for him the way he was when he went. I understood that I cry for myself and my loss, not for him.
I am sad because I have had the pleasure of being with him and that's how its supposed to be - the sea-saw of pain and gain.

Jeenay ke liye, socha hi nahin, Dard sambhaalne hongey
Muskurayein to, muskurane ke karz utarney hongey.
Muskuraun kabhi to lagta hai jaise honthon pe karz rakha hai.

(Never thought life would mean juggling my share of sorrow
....every smile has its own price that you borrow
Now when I smile I know I have a new debt to settle)

So I am trying to be mature, brave.
As I realise its almost time now for him to go on, again, I try to pre-empt the cost of anguish and settle it with the profit of my moments with him.

He can come back again, for sure, but this time there's a catch : Will I be there to receive him ?

My love will always be the same as he is despite different appearances, genders and differently sparkling eyes.

The question is : have I grown too old, too mature for him and his love to return ?







P.S. : This is how I feel about my relationship with my pets. Its my way of accommodating pain of separation in my life. Hope you find helpful hints of doing the same with yours.